For so many women, dating is a dreaded word. One bad date after another leads them to choosing between loneliness and hopelessness. Yet how else are you supposed to meet Prince Charming? Dreaming he will charge in on his white horse and sweep you away hasn’t worked. What’s an intelligent woman to do?
Develop a different perspective on dating. Look at dating as research and development. Every date that you have actually offers you valuable insight into creating the vision of your ideal man. I know what you are thinking – just the opposite. Actually dating is teaching you clearly what you do not want in man, ever! That’s great information. The problem is that you are not seeing this as the nuggets of gold that they are. What you are focusing on is the dirty charcoal naughty children find in their stocking on Christmas morning.
Dating is where you learn more about yourself than you probably want to know. It’s about YOU, not the guy. With every date you are developing a clearer vision of who you are, what you want, how you feel. It is an opportunity to practice being a person that may be difficult for you. For example, one of my clients shared this story with me after one of her first dates.
“He was very sweet. We went to a lovely restaurant for brunch and I really enjoyed talking with him. But he really turned me off when he picked me up and tried to kiss me as he opened the door of his car for me to get in. All afternoon, he tried to hold my hands, or put his arm around me. I have no intention of going out with him again.”
She is coming out of a relationship with someone she cared deeply for, and although the healing and lessons of that experience are unfolding, she thought she would try dating again. I asked Patty if she had told the man that she did not feel comfortable with his physical touches, especially since they had only just met. She had not. Patty finds it difficult to speak up and express her needs. That was a perfect opportunity for her to speak up. In order for her to attract and be with a man who listens to her and values her needs, she must learn to ask. Dating is chance for her to practice. The worst thing that happens on a date is that the man ignores her requests. So, he has given her great information that he does not value her or needs. No more dates. Or, he may apologize. Perhaps no one has told him that is offensive. Maybe his prior girlfriend enjoyed that. I agree it was inappropriate on a first date. But again, it’s not about him. It’s about Patty. If he respected her request, she may have enjoyed the date more, and found that she wanted to see him again. If not, she learned to speak and be heard. It will be easier next time.
Through dating you learn things about what is important to you that you may not even had thought about. Another client, Anita, was recounting how she felt after 2 dates with different men last weekend. “In 2 days with different men, I felt more relaxed and comfortable and did things I really enjoyed. In 3 years with my ex, I never felt that good.”
That was powerful affirmation for Anita. She tends to make herself fit into the life and space of the men that she dates. The real jewel was what she discovered after I helped her see this next piece differently.
“I had the best day with this guy. We went for a bike ride, than sat for a long time on rock in the middle of the pond and talked about everything. He made me laugh. He was attentive and sweet. But, OMG, we stopped by his house for a minute and he had no screens in his house. His teenage sons were there and the house was a mess! I couldn’t possibly see him again.”
The week before Anita had dated a man whose home felt like a showpiece. She could not even envision herself ever being comfortable there.
Anita had experienced two extreme examples of men in their homes. After much probing, on my part, Anita finally saw that what she wanted in a man was someone who could either welcome her into his home where they could then create a space together or find their own place. She also values a man who has pride in his home, and either is handy and enjoys keeping a home well-maintained or can afford to keep it in great shape. She also prefers a home that is relaxed and inviting rather than so put together, you are afraid to walk in and touch anything.
Now there is some clarity for my girl. We also pulled lots of other great nuggets about her ideal man, relationship and life.
See, dating isn’t so bad after all when you start to lessen the expectations and pressure of it having to be perfect and hoping that this guy will be the one.
So, let’s look at 3 steps to help you see your dating duds differently.
1.Lighten the load of expectation. You are spending time with another human being. You have a chance to connect, learn something new about the world and yourself. You also never know how this person may add value to your life. Go out with an open mind and heart. See with objective eyes, rather than critical ones.
2. Develop a practice of contrast. For every complaint that you have about the man, the date, the experience – turn every one around to create a positive statement of what would be ideal for you instead.
3. Sit in the joy of your new awareness. Knowing what you want is only the first step to manifest it. It is feeling it, seeing it. Your mind does not know the difference between a real experience and an imagined one. So, create the perfect date in your mind, be specific with the new information you discovered. Add in details of what you already know. Feel happy, light and excited to be that much closer to finding your Mr. Right.
Cheri has devoted her life to perfecting the art and science of creating and cultivating relationships that are passionate and thriving. She is a trusted mentor to men and women who came close to giving up on love, and with her guidance found the confidence and energy to attract and enjoy long lasting love and fulfilling relationships through conscious creation just as she has done. For your free 6 Step Blueprint to Manifest Your Perfect Mate, visit www.CheriValentine.com.